…And if you are fooling anyone – I don’t want to meet them.

MIAMI – I am very old. I get this. Most people who meet me ask if I was part of a secret GRU program involving cryo-preservation. So I get it, I am not cool – I am not hip. When I select a service, I look for the one that says “I do this and do it in such a way.” I don’t look for the “brand experience,” I don’t look for “feelings of connectivity,” I don’t like people.

I’ve stayed in two Aloft hotels in my life, both because of proximity. Yeah, nah. Don’t even get me started on Moxies. What is this nonsense? Take away the desk in the room so if I want a flat surface I have to sit in the lobby listening to atonal loud music where everyone says “we are” at least once a song.

Seriously, the largest hotel chain in the world created two separate brands just to target the elusive millennial. It’s a farce, too. The last Aloft I stayed in, was mostly gen Xer’s working for a company near Phoenix airport that wanted cheap SPG earn. They looked as happy as I was to be there.

I love Air France. Unreasonably so, but Joon just makes me sad. Of course, according to the media material, Joon is electric blue long before being an airline.

Sorry, I forgot the exclamation mark. It should be “Joon is electric blue!”

Let’s tear down their recent marketing announcement. Because, really, that’s all you can do. Starting with the big one: VR goggles in Business Class. Yes, Virtual Reality goggles. I think it’s the SkyLights product. I pity the boom operator on the KC-46 when things get choppy; I imagine they’ll come up with a very clever name for the emissions caused by the optical vs. inner ear confusion.

I never wanted something lower tech, and harder to clean, being worn by the passenger next to me.

Well, it’s flat? Photo: Joon.

And I do mean next to me. We know Joon will be at least 2-2-2 in Business Class and VR goggles would mean lots of looking around while your body goes a completely different way. So, the first moral of the Joon branding story? Wear an apron, I guess. Maybe one of those plastic rain ponchos?

The shrewd paxex nerd also can assume that these VR goggles supplant traditional seatback IFE. So innovative.

We know that within Europe, the IFE is streaming as the customers are totally forward thinking – they prominently state they’ll be showing works of Viceland, because really, while I am throwing up – I want to watch Hamilton Morris trip out on Salvia!

There will also be wifi. Don’t know the provider. But since they are so pleased to state you can use Youtube (presumably to watch cat videos) it has to be something good.

On the paxex side, it’s an improvement over the current Airbus A340 fleet. It’s full-flat – or well looks it anyway. If they use the current A340 “NEV4” seats, oh my. Angles, VR, and turbulence. But that’s it. On the Airbus A350s, that does not make for the most competitive cabin.

Next up. Oh, those poor cabin crew. Air France is Stylish.

These are taken directly from Joon’s website. I admire the color story. It’s weird to describe clothing as pandering to a demographic, but there you go. Then again, Joon is actually described as a rooftop bar before being an airline in some media releases.

You see, in Business Class –  20% of the cuisine is organic. A loose standard, but a very good one to pander with. I imagine if it expands beyond the Seychelles and Fortaleza – Joon will offer more kale than Pizza Hut used to as garnish at the salad bar.

Of course, because Joon is also a rooftop bar – passengers in Economy will have to pay for food. Which is not a big deal, because every other so-called LCC has been doing this for eternity.

Joon, to make themselves even weirder, has some pretty out there partnerships. Want to park your car at CDG? Sure. It’ll be free, but it’s partnered with TravelCar – so your vehicle will become part of the sharing economy, as other people will be able to rent it.

There’s also clearly some financial machinations behind the scenes with Paperplane. Allowing the sharing economy to benefit you for a change, you lucky millennial! People can crowdfund your trips, eventually.

But here’s the weirdest part.

Joon isn’t a traditional LCC. Traditional long-haul LCCs are way better valuing than what Joon offers. I mean, if you are a millennial and, like everyone else seems to, just wants cheap and safe – you’re not going to fly Business Class on Joon – you might splash out for Premium Economy on Norwegian.

I’m not going to take a seat downgrade relative to Air France by Design to fly on Joon just because of what it says on my passport. Really, no one is going to. They’re not offering luxury, they’re offering a hollow experience that also has the potential to cover me in a stranger’s vomit. For not that much less, in all honesty.

I mean, sure they’ll let me earn my Delta Elite Qualifying Miles – I can use the lounge! You know, all those traditional characteristics of a long-haul LCC.

You know what Joon really is? Joon is a labor negotiation. You see, the major Air France unions all had to agree to the carve-out for lower pay for the flight and cabin crew to be part of Joon. They’re not lowering the unit cost on the passenger side that much, this is a ploy to lower labor costs.

Air France was forced to create Air France light rather than change the conditions at famous original Air France. So, in attempt to make onion juice out of the bag of onions their labor agreements brought forth – they decided to target the hollowest, shallowest, fakest, demographic that no one understands. Not even themselves. Airlines within Airlines never work.

In conclusion: Joon is a bad idea.